Yes, it's come to this. The same people you raked on in high school now run the world and control every gizmo you own or want to own. And, as you hold your "normal" identity throughout your life, there are times when it may be advantageous to pose as a geek. Maybe to convince your first date that you have job prospects beyond "Walmart clerk". Maybe to slip in the door at Comdex. Perhaps even to escape being hacked to death by the evil-looking punks at the Internet cafe, the ones with the Tux penguin tattoos and the Mohawks who are eying your laptop. Hint: They don't like you because of the suit and tie; they HATE that!

Well, fear not, hopeless lamer, I, a certified geek, will give you a rundown of how to pass as a geek for brief moments. Understand, these tactics will in no way work over the long term, like, say, a marriage. But in quick social exchanges, or to bamboozle your cow-orker, these tricks should work sufficiently to help you fool the rest of us into thinking that you're one of us:

One of the chief attributes of geeks, and intellectuals in general, is attitude. No, attitude doesn't MAKE you a geek, but that's not the point of this article. The point here is to FAKE it. And to fake it, you have to feign interests and opinions, and then be smugly confident that your "choices" are superior to the mainstream's.

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The real problem with the PTC complaints is that the organization uses "indecency criteria" so simplistic that they makes Blue's Clues look like a college philosophy course. They rate shows based on "sex," "language," "violence," and "overall." Curse words—bad for children! Shows stuffed with nothing but consumerism, tawdry celebrity, and mockery of those who can't hold a tune—good for children!

Consider Everybody Loves Raymond, which received "green lights" in all four PTC categories. In promoting the show as a family-friendly offering, the PTC notes that "Raymond promotes the idea of long-lasting marriage, and Debra feels fulfilled in her role as a stay-at-home mom. Language on this series used to be harsh, but since the first of 2004 [sic], has dropped to a record low number of just 8 uses of mild 'hell,' 'crap,' and 'damn' in 6 episodes. Sexual references have been non-existent since January 2004."

The focus is on specifics: exact words, number of uses, etc. While the PTC does point to the fact that the couple remain married and that Debra "feels fulfilled," it's arguable whether the show portrays family in such a way that anyone would want to have one. The main characters show little affection for one another, the jokes routinely come at the expense of spouses, and the whole milieu feels joyless and barren. Regardless of how "mild" the show's use of "hell," "crap," and "damn" may be, it's a show that makes me viscerally uncomfortable to watch, and it's not the kind of thing I want my kids to see.

There are many benefits to studying at Lakehead University. Ubiquitous wireless Internet access, however, isn’t one of them.

That’s because president Fred Gilbert won’t allow it until he’s satisfied EMF (electric and magnetic fields) exposure doesn’t pose a health risk, particularly to young people.

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“All I’m saying is while the jury’s out on this one, I’m not going to put in place what is potential chronic exposure for our students,� he said. “Admittedly that’s highest around the locations of the antenna sites and the wireless hotspots, but those are the places people tend to gravitate to because they get the best reception.�

If stopping crime were as easy as putting up a no-crime sign, then everyone would do it.